Twilight Reads 'Brewdening Love': The Cullens
by VolturiQueen1993
Summary: The Cullens, including Jacob, Seth, and Leah, and the Denali Clan read the worst fanfic by ErinOfTheCullenClan. They are in for quite a surprise. Watch there reactions as they read it. *Please R&R*
1. Bella: The Binder Of Doom

**This idea popped in my head as I read **_**Brewdening Love **_**just to make fun of it. I wonder how the Cullens would react if they read the most notorious Twi-fic. I will do one on the wolf pack (Solely the Black pack and Uley pack) and one on the Volturi.**

**Jacob and his pack will not be in this chapter, but they will be next chapter.**

**Takes place after **_**Breaking Dawn **_**(Movie-verse).**

* * *

"Look what I found on the porch," Emmett said, holding a binder. On the cover was a computer drawing of a blond girl and a white skinned brown haired boy with the words _Joan & Eward 4evar_.

"You did not find bad FanFiction, did you?" Alice asked.

"Bad FanFiction. All FanFiction is bad. Why do fans like to play with us? I read a Aro and Bella fic the other day and it was nightmare inducing," I replied, wondering why people would pair me with Aro. I despised the man, especially after he tried killing my family a few months ago. I want to go hunt down the author of _Amoure Italia _for doing that.

"Come on. What can hurt?" Emmett said.

All of us sat around the coffee table, while Edward and I shared a love seat, with Renesmee sleeping in a playpen I set up in the room.

"Who wants to read first?" Emmett asked.

"I will," I replied and he handed me the binder. I opened the binder.

"**Chapter One: Genesis**."

"Why name the first chapter after the first book of the Old Testament in the Bible?" Carlisle asked.

"**Erin: ok hello everyone I want to let you knwo that I'm the BIGGEST Twilight ever! I've read all the boks and seen da movie -OMFG isn't Cullin HAWT. So hot. ok now iv writon a storie about wut wold happen id I were bella1 Because shes a dirte bithc**," I continued to read and I stopped, angry at the insult directed at me. The misspelling was atrocious.

I heard a gasp in the room.

"Someone must hate you," Alice told me.

"**so i want you to see it and tel moi what you think! So LOTS OF REVOWS PLZ! lov you God xoxoxoxo**."

"If the author's note is bad, I have a bad feeling about this story," Jasper told Alice.

"My Immortal was bad. I remembered reading that story and I was tempted to tear my hair apart," Rosalie replied.

"**I walked into the room and HE waz siting over by the coner of my english class, prefectly sitting by the corner in a desk**."

"Did we meet in Biology?" Edward asked.

"Yes," I replied, remembering the first day we met, how he glared at me, and I did not know what his problem was.

"**I thought he was a god (Erin: not god God because I luv god and thats blamsphemi, so fuc off sinars) becoz he looked so darmn hot**."

"And she goes on and writes _Twilight World_," Alice mutters.

"She has written another fic too?" I asked, heart sinking.

"You don't want to read it. I was the worst hour of my life reading it," Alice told me.

"I wanted to gouge my eyes out," Emmett said.

I shook my head as I continued to read.

"**like that guy who used to be on Smalvile befor he got fat so now I watch supernatural becoz fat man is always in my head now**."

"All she cares about is a guy's weight?" Rosalie asks, enraged.

"And she ruined _Smallville _for me," Emmett said.

We all looked at him.

"What? That is a good show," Emmett replied.

"**I giglied when he lookd at mwah and Edwards looked away seeming to snarlingly**."

"When a guy does that, that means he doesn't like you," Alice said.

"If she looked like she just met you, Edward, why does she know your name?" I asked him.

"Looks like a Mary Sue," Edward replied. "Self-insert most likely."

"Self-inserts just fulfill a wet dream about their favorite character," Rosalie shook her head in disgust.

"**I flacked my long brown hare hoppping to git his attention**."

"She flacked her brown rabbit to get Edward's attention?" I asked, horrified by the misspelling.

Everyone was silent until the room filled with hysterical laughter.

"I think she meant to _flip her brown hair_," Alice said, still laughing.

"She should know that if he doesn't like her, that she should not keep that up," Rosalie stated.

I never made myself appealing on purpose to Edward. We just clicked.

"**I hav long brown hair that reatches my btomm, in a smooth long thing with a hairclip and such. I have hotr eyeliner with lots of blue mascara becoz it goes with moi eyes you see becoz they are blu. and i'm wearing a loose wite blows with a cute leather belt and a long black skirt becoz its sexy but not whory and its a sin to be a whor tunles ur Mary Magdalin, but shes daed anyway**."

"We do not need costume porn and that much detail," Alice commented. "That was too much."

"Did she just insult Mary Magdalene?" Rosalie asked, offended.

"She was possessed by seven demons until Jesus rid her of them," Carlisle pointed out.

"**Edward looked back to me and loked away agin. It was rood and I farroed my brow confusedly at hymn, but decided but hes sex-ah so Ill let him get away with it (The Lord teeches us to forgave).**"

"If I am acting like that, that means I am not interested," Edward said.

"Why would she say _hymn _as in church music, rather than _him _a person? And should it be _forgive _instead of _forgave_?" I asked.

"You are not becoming a Grammar Nazi, are you?" Emmett asked.

"So what?" I asked. "I passed my English class as well as my AP English."

"What also upsets me is that this author thinks that you can just forgive someone just for their looks. We have to forgive people regardless of looks," Esme replied.

"And sometimes things are hard to forgive," Carlisle replied.

I nodded, knowing what he meant.

I kept on reading.

"**I walked over, with evry eye on the room on me because Im so darmn H-O-T (I've been told this mnay times so I know it is true**."

"How vain," Alice commented.

"Shallow, no doubt," Rosalie muttered.

"Hypocrite," Emmett muttered.

Rosalie just glared at him.

"She is not a real Christian if she only thinks about outer beauty," Edward pointed out.

"**( and i sit on his desk and he looks up and has bronze eyes that are sexy in a brewding way (erin: FORSHADOWING! He is brewdy but if you havnt reed the boks you'd already no that!)**."

"Our eyes our not bronze. They are gold," Edward pointed out.

"And it is _broody_, not _brewdy_," I pointed out as well. I hate these spelling mistakes. Did this girl fail English?

"**He looks up to me and I look dwn to him loking up to me. He then speaks, in a quiet brewding voice**."

Edward facepalmed. I could not blame him. This girl was torturing him mentally.

" "**Who are you?" he aks and why are you on my desk?**"

"She is on his desk?" Alice asked.

"She should just give up. Edward will not like her," Rosalie replied.

"**So i winks at him and tell him he's cute, but then class starts and i sit down and watch him.**"

"Stalker, much?" Rosalie asks.

"We are in school. She should look at the teacher and not me," Edward said.

"I would file a restraining order," Carlisle prompted.

"**He is so hot and I dcide want to be his boyfriend. He looks at me and turns away agin.**"

"Should she say _girlfriend_?" I asked.

"She only likes me because I am good looking? There is more to a man than the way the look," Edward said.

"Yes, and I never thought about looks when I met Emmett," Rosalie said.

"You were my angel," Emmett told her.

"**So yeeeeeeeah thats my storie tell me what you hink with your revieows! so glad to have writing it i'm happi ass now! GOD LOVES YOU ALL! XOXOXOXOXO! :3**"

"I hate it," I replied.

"One chapter into this story and it is a piece of shit," Emmett commented.

"Emmett McCarty Cullen! Watch your language!" Esme warned him.

"Sorry," Emmett replied.

"Who wants to read it?" I asked.

"I will," Edward said, and I handed the binder of doom to him.

* * *

**Tell me what you think. **


	2. Edward: I Hate This Mary Sue

**Thank you for the review.**

* * *

I was about to read the second chapter when I heard the door open. Due to the stench, I knew it had to be Jacob and his pack.

"How is everybody doing?" Jacob asked as he, Seth, and Leah entered the living room.

"Good," Bella replied.

"Hey, guys. What are you doing?" Seth asked us.

"Reading bad fanfiction," Alice replied.

"Oh boy. What is it?" Jacob asked interested.

"_Brewdening Love _by ErinOfTheCullenClan," Bella replied, a grimace on her face.

"Not the author of _Truelove Fight_," Seth groaned.

"She written _Bella's Baby _too," Leah replied, glaring.

Bella looked like she swallowed a lemon. "She has more?" Bella asked.

"Yes. Ruined my childhood when I read _Truelove Fight_," Seth replied.

"Yeah. Glad you do not like Pokémon anymore," Leah muttered.

"Come on, I enjoyed it as a kid," Seth protested.

"So, tell me what we missed," Jacob asked us.

Bella talked about the first chapter and how there is grammatical and spelling errors, and how the main character is a Mary Sue.

"Got to love Mary Sues," Jacob said sarcastically.

"You want to hear us read it?" I asked.

"Yeah. I don't think anything would hurt," Jacob replied. Seth and Leah sat on the floor while Jacob scooped Renesmee and sat her on his lap.

I cleared my throat before I started to read.

"**Chapter 2 – Adem and Ev**"

"Blasphemous much?" Rosalie asked.

I agreed mentally. Why name a chapter that?

"**Erin: This is mi second chapter, and no reviews. WTF?**"

I winced at the language that she used.

_What a ungrateful writer. She should know that when you write something, people might not like it_, I heard Leah think irritably.

"I would like to put soap in her mouth," Esme muttered. _Children and language these days. What are parents saying around their children?_

I agreed with her. Kids pick things up from television as well.

"**AShut up you stupid sinnr bitch - YOUR PATHETIC NOT MI**"

Everyone winced at the language being said.

"I need someone to slap," Leah said.

Jacob glared at her, but said nothing.

"**Flaming mi as it is agenst Gods will, four peepole to hate is BAD. And if you do tyou not be aloud in Heathen"**

"Just saying our thoughts on a story will send us to you- know- where?" Bella asked, astounded.

"And she spelled _Heaven_,_ Heathen_. They are two different things," Jacob scoffed.

I continued to read.

"**So NO FLAMING, CHOOSE LOVE**"

"Not everything is sugar and rainbows," Rosalie said.

_Since when did I agree with a leech? _Leah thought as she said ", Of course. The real world is not full of saccharine, true love conquers all, and destiny like a Disney movie."

Most Disney films are unrealistic, but they were enjoyable to watch.

"**Anyway Edward is much 3 and so is you reedars. Thnx for reeding! also my carroter is named Joan in this not erin :3 xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxo**"

"Her self-insert is a carrot?" Bella asked.

The room filled with laughter.

"Your character may have a different name, but she may still be a self-insert," Rosalie commented.

"**Edward dint speak to me for the rest of the clarse and he nevur looked at me agen**"

That is because I am paying attention in class. Why was this author so obsessed with me? I love Bella.

"School is more important than your crush," Alice commented.

_Yet, unfortunately, there are kids who skip school_, Carlisle thought.

"**I was abit sad but I new that God wood help me threw it. I prey to Him that at the end of class Edward will talk to me. But Edward dint, so i gessed I didn't prey loud enoug.**"

"That is selfish. Praying because you want a guy to speak to you. Getting with the guy you like does not work," Leah commented bitterly.

"**It waz lunch tiem so I goed and sat buy miself and red the Bible (Erni: It can be a good reed smtimes).**"

"Reading the Holy Book in public does not make you a Christian, just like just going to church does not make you a Christian," Carlisle said. "You have to have a honest relationship with God in order to be a true Christian."

It did not surprise me to hear that from Carlisle, as his father was a Anglican priest in the Puritan days. Then again, I agreed with him, despite that we were vampires.

"**I watched as Edwood sat next to a groop of people that had the same looks as him. YOu know, all mystyrous and sex-ah. I wounded who they were**"

"My name is Edward, not Edwood," I said, enraged that my name is misspelled.

"How old is this girl?" Leah asked.

"Let me go on DeviantArt and check," Emmett said. He flitted from the room and flitted back, carrying his laptop.

"She has a DeviantArt page?" Jasper asked, speechless.

Emmett sat back down next to Rosalie, opening his laptop.

After a few minutes of watching Emmett type to search the internet, he said ", She is eighteen years old."

"Eighteen? Looks like she failed second grade English," Leah said.

"Speaking of this story, she mentioned us," Alice said.

Rosalie facepalmed. "We are in this piece of dung of what this girl calls literature?" she asked.

I nodded.

"Let's keep on reading," Bella said.

"**I watched them, they dint ate anythink but wern't annarexic loking so i felt more curious, I wanned to go and talk to him agen**"

"An insult to those suffering from eating disorders everywhere," Bella said.

**I new he would like me because I am hot and a Crhistian**

"Yeah, a shallow Pharisee more likely," Rosalie said.

_Where does this girl live? _I heard Rosalie think.

"**So i walk over and sit next to him. He looks angry but I dint care**"

"If I give you a angry look, that means that I do not want you around," I said through gritted teeth.

"She should give you your space," Bella told me.

" "**Hi Iam Erin, I waz in Yore clarse this Mourning." I say and they all star at me**"

"Yes, we are staring at you because we don't want you at your table," Jasper muttered, clenching the couch pillow.

"Did she say her character's name was Joan and not Erin?" Seth asked.

"Yes. This screams Mary Sue and self-insert," Rosalie muttered.

I kept on reading.

"**They were all dressed in Abbacromby and Filtch clothes**"

I was interrupted as I heard Alice scream.

"We do not wear Abercrombie & Fitch clothes. We wear Gucci and Versace and other designer brands like that, that are more pricey then that store" Alice said, getting up and pacing.

"I hate A & F," Leah replied. "They are risqué."

I agreed.

"**the girls in briggt colours and the boys in not bright colours but not dark either except edward who was in a sexi dark brwn hoodie and blak jeans**"

"You wore a hoodie once, did you?" Bella asked.

"Yes, only once," I confirmed.

"Alice and I do not just wear bright colors," Rosalie muttered.

_This Mary Sue does not know how we dress_, Rosalie thought.

"I would rather watch a horror movie about a thirty- three year old woman pretending to be a nine year old," Seth said.

"You have seen _Orphan_?" Jacob asked him.

"If only Leena Klammer were real," Leah said. _I would like to see her kill this author_, she thought.

"Let's just hear this, okay," Jasper said, irritated.

"**I suddenly knew they were a familt and I coulnt believe how hot the hole family are. Rosalie and Alice, the only girls, were perfect and hot like the veronicas but not emo and slutty. (If it wasn't agenst my religion to be homo, I would say they were sexah) Then there was Japper, who was too kute and made me fell so clam wen I looked at hymn and he look like Matt Thiessen. Emmett was bigger than eny bodybuilder I had ever seen befour and look like Jon Cooper from Skillet. But no one could compet with Edward. He was the Hottest by far and loocked like Joel Bruyere (,333,##!)**"

"How did she automatically know who you five were?" Carlisle asked.

"She is a Mary Sue. Mary Sue's tend to know the names of the characters before being introduced to them," Alice said.

"She likes Skillet?" Leah asked. "I listen to them. How dare she ruin it for me?"

"And she describes us like her favorite celebrities. We look nothing like them," Emmett said.

""**Why are you sitting here?" Edward asked all growly like. I smile at hymn becoz it seemd a good growl.**"

She thinks my growls are good? I'll show her what a good growl is, if she was real.

""**Because I want to get to now you, silly. My nam is Joan St. Sanctuary Louisa-Smithe. You're hot and i lik you a fuckload" I replied, fluckering my eyelids in a sexy wey.**"

"Joan St. Sanctuary Lousia-Smithe. That is the worst name I ever heard," Alice said.

"And it screams Mary Sue," Rosalie commented.

"And should she refrain from saying such atrocious language, if she is a Christian?" Emmett asked.

""**I'm Edward Cullen." He said not happily. Edward dint look impressed but I new he wood liek me soon. He might of already aktuly. He smelled but then he hiden it with scowl and then they all looked at eachuher for like a minute akwardish like last year when my sis lied that she was gay to evryone and had to go to camp.**"

"No, I am not attracted to you. Thank you very much," I commented coldly.

""**C'mon, lets go." He said to his family and they all left**"

I heard a cheer in the room.

"See, dearie. Don't push it with men. It makes them hate you even more," Leah commented.

"**I was left sitting at the table. I dint get why he dint want to now mi. I wandered if their was something wrong with me and thats why he dint like me.**"

"Yes, we do not like you. You are starting to stalk us," Jasper commented.

"Not to mention trying to make herself appealing to my husband," Bella said, hissing.

I could not blame Bella.

"**It was time to go to biology so I leave and go there.**"

Bella, who I now realized was holding a pillow to her stomach, slammed it against her face.

"**Edward was in Biology too.**"

I groaned. I hated this Mary Sue.

"**He was sutting buy himself at a table. I walk over in a sexah wey and sit next to him, winning at him. He looked mad at me, i dint no why but ten he didn't look too made anymore. I had been freindly the hole time an mabye it was werking.**"

"No, I hate you with a passion," I remarked. Shouldn't I be tempted by her scent now? I was when I met Bella.

"**The teacher started to talk so I listened to him, Edward was still staring at me madly agin but fuck him he'll come arond becoz I love him.**"

"No, love does not work that way. She is in lust with him, not in love," Esme said.

_Yes, a shallow love interest they call it_, Jacob thought.

I looked at Bella who was grinding her teeth. I could not read her mind, but I guessed that she wished to jump in the pages and kill the Mary Sue.

That I cannot blame her for.

"**SOOOOOOOOOO HOW THAT? betta I think i'm getting into this quit alot becoz twillielight is an orsum.**"

"Has she had better things to do then read about our lives? How about _Left Behind_? She should read that," Bella commented.

The _Left Behind series _was a very good book series.

"**I love Edward and the Krillians, even Jacob and them**"

"It is _Cullen_. Not _Krillian_. Our last name is not hard to spell," Alice said.

"And we are the wolf pack. Not _them_," Leah said, sounding offended.

"**Thankx for roding and plz review to tle me what you thank!1111 333 xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox**"

"Still horrible. I hate it," Emmett said, and I saw Alice look into space.

"Alice, what is it?" Jasper asked her.

"The Denali's are coming," Alice said, smiling.

"When?" I asked.

"Tomorrow," Alice replied.

"Good, maybe we can share what we found," I said before asking, "Who wants to read next?"

"I will," Jacob said. He handed Nessie to Bella before I handed him the binder.

"Read at your own risk," Bella muttered.

It was official: I hate this Mary Sue. All Mary Sues in general.


	3. Jacob: My Eyes Are Burning

**Enjoy!**

* * *

I started reading as soon as Edward handed the binder over to me.

"**Chapter 3: Collisions**"

"What collision?" Bella asked.

"**OMG STOP FLAMIG ME YOU NOT NICE PEOPLE! FUK OOFF! ffs you people suck - if you do noy have anythin god to say, DO NOT SAY IT!11111 No 1 wants to b a sinnar so spred LOV for fuks sayk!**"

What a drama queen. There is more to life than a wet dream. Besides, everyone has a right to say their opinion on something.

"Someone needs anger management," Alice muttered.

And I thought Paul was the angry one all the time.

"**it's better. n-e-way this is the third chapter, and I'm reely getting into it now**"

"We know it is the third chapter. No need to tell us," Bella said.

"She is getting into this as this is her fantasy," Edward retorted.

"**Please evry1 leave NICE REVIWS**"

"Not everyone is going to be nice," Leah commented.

Yeah. What did this author think the world was full of: lollipops and unicorns?

**or my luv hearts : ( xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo**

/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\/||\ (These are ANGLE WINGS :3)

Yeah, like we need to know.

"**Biologee went on for a while but then it ended. There was another class but Ed wasnt in it so it don't matter and then the day was ovar.**"

"There are eight hours in a school day, not two," Edward pointed out.

"Tell me about it," Bella replied.

"**I waited for him after class**"

"File a restraining order," Seth said.

"Yes. If she did that, I would. I hate stalkers," Edward replied.

"**and my friend Jenny Donna came up to me. (Erni - ok yeah Blla moved to Forks recently in the bok but in my versin I've bin here a while, like for 2 months but it was summa holidays so thats why I havn't seen the Cullings b4 now but no sum1 OK?1?)**"

I wanted to facepalm.

"See, self-insert," Bella commented.

"And she would have seen us during the summer too," Jasper said also.

"Jenny Donna? Who would want a name like that?" Seth asked.

"**"Hey girl how r u?" I ran up and hugged her tightly. She smiled happily at me. Jenne was wearing a blu hoodie with a cute pink bunneh on it, and a long pink skirt and she uis also a blone with similar hair to mine, in a long straight doo. She looks like the leed from Evanescence, but with putple makeup and mascara and Christan.**"

"Did she just bash Amy Lee?" Seth asked.

"Not to mention her friend looks like her, in this story," Leah retorted.

"And I think her friend is a insert too," Bella replied.

"Costume Porn. I hate it," Alice muttered.

Alice had a point. No one needs to know what you are wearing down to the tiniest detail.

""**Hey grl how are you! I haven;t seen you for like a week." She enquieered happily**"

If they are BFF's why did they not see each other that long?

"**"Yah hey girl, sorryt. about that. I saw this major hotty in class today, his name is Edwerd Collin. You've been here a lot longe than moi so wut do you know of hymn and hys familiy?"**"

"She spelt your name wrong," I told Edward.

"Let me see," he said, taking the binder from my hands. His lips curled in disgust before he handed it back to me.

"My name is Edward Cullen, not Edwerd Collin," Edward said, irritated.

I cannot blame him.

""**Well their REEEEALY secretive and stuff and unlike any click you May of seen at your old school. They are real broding and misterious, but UBAH hot. I like Emmet a lot." She admited errotically.**"

"Sorry, but I am taken," Emmett said, wrapping his arms around Blondie's waist and smirking.

Why does he like her?

"**"Ya he's ok but I like Edward and I think he liks me**"

"No, I hate you," I heard Edward mutter.

I could not blame him. I would not want a Mary Sue to go after me either.

"**He smiled at me but it was almost sif he caldn be with me for sum reeson. So then what do you no then, I'd like to meat him?" I told.**"

"I do not want to be with you because I found another person," Edward muttered, holding Bella closer.

"**"O well he lives in the mountain I herd.**"

"We live in the woods, not the mountains," Alice pointed out.

"She must have failed Geography as well," Leah retorted.

"**He is also ovah there and ALONE! Go girl, go!" I looked to where she was pointing and then I smelled at her and ron to him. He was leaving bi the main entrance when I had bean silly enough to leave by the side!**"

"You want to stalk me? Fine. Jasper, give me J. Jenk's business card," Edward said.

"Edward, this is just fictional," Jasper said.

"I know," Edward said coldly.

"**He looked over to me as if he cold smill cumming for him. He smiled, but then stopped and scowed at me, but I didn't mind because he's actually more sexah when he scrows.**"

Edward facepalmed, Bella hissed.

"**"Hey Edword how are you. You look even sexiah in the sunlight." I said, admiring his pale skin. It was like a Jap Geisha/Goth, except normal at the same time and really relaly hot.**"

The Jap Geisha/Goth description turned my stomach and turned my head away from the page as I vomited.

"Now I need to clean up doggie vomit," Sleepless Beauty muttered.

"It is okay, Rose," Bella said.

"Does this girl know that we would be killed if we went out in the sun?" Alice asked. "Has she heard of the Volturi?"

I remembered the red eyes we encountered on New Year's Eve last year. I do not forget.

"**"NO JOANE DON'T CUM NEAR MI!" He screemd and ran away**."

"Go, Edward," Bella encouraged.

I would say the same thing.

"**I ran after him yelling at him to stop and we went into the car park.**"

"Does the trope, _Too dumb to live_, ring a bell?" Emmett asked.

"**He leapt up onto a car all althetically and dissapaered into bushes behind the car. I frowned and felt sad. Maybe I had been ron about hymn liking me which was not happi at all. But then I heard a noise, like a bus comming towards me. I looked around and saw...A BIG BUS CUMING AT ME!1**"

"Let's hope it hits her," Leah muttered bitterly.

I agreed with her on that one.

"**OH NO THATS NOT GOOD! Well you'll hav to see what happens in the next chapta. thank you for reeding this and the character od Jenny is actually based on my freind Jenny, so LOVE YOU GIRL!**"

"Common for Mary Sues. They insert their friends in the story," Leah commented.

"Because their character is unlikable," Bella said.

"**Anyway thnks again and please leave good reviews. GOD LOVES YOU ALL! :3**"

"Who wants to read next?" I asked.

"We had enough for today. We could continue tomorrow and do three or four chapters a day," Bella said.

"Your right," I said, closing the binder. I was glad anyway. I felt like a few of my brain cells were killed, besides my eyes burned from reading it.

Bella picked up Nessie and she and Edward left the room, presumably to put Nessie to bed.

"So, what was that movie about a thirty-three year old woman posing as a nine year old?" Emmett asked interested.


	4. Leah: How Unrealistic

**I am doing this chapter in Leah's perspective as she will read chapter four. **

* * *

Why do I despise Mary Sues? Because they are unrealistic and have no personalities. And they have everything right for them in the end. It was not like that with Sam and me.

Imprinting is a bitch.

I woke up the next morning, dread coming to me. Because more leeches were coming and we were going to continue reading that shit of a story. I hoped that this Mary Sue gets killed by the bus. It would save our brain cells.

Seth and Jacob were in the house already and I was the last one of the Black pack to enter.

That infernal binder was lying on the coffee table where Jacob put it last night. Hungry, I decided to go to the kitchen and eat breakfast. Seth and Jacob were in the dining room, eating it. They have better saved some for me.

Entering the kitchen, I saw the muscular leech sitting at the counter, his laptop in front of him. He was laughing about something. I ignored him and plugged my nose as I crossed to the refrigerator.

I noticed Bella coming in the kitchen. She was passing behind the other leech and she soon stopped and stood behind him, peering over his shoulder.

"What are you looking at?" she asked.

"ErinOfTheCullenClan's DeviantArt page," he said. "Look at her drawings."

Bella slid his laptop and looked at the screen. I watched as her expression turned from curiosity to rage. She grabbed his laptop and broke it.

"Hey," he protested.

"I want to hunt this girl down," she hissed.

"Bella…," he began before she tackled him. I watched as the two leeches brawled on the floor. It was hilarious.

"Bella! Emmett! Stop it right now!" I heard the leech known as Esme yell. She was in the kitchen as well as her leech husband who was a doctor, who at the moment, was prying Bella off of the leech named Emmett.

Dr. Fang separated the two and the two leeches that were fighting stood up, hair disheveled.

"Isabella Marie Swan Cullen and Emmett McCarty Cullen," Esme told them like they were in trouble. The room was filled now with the Cullens.

This was a sight to enjoy: Seeing the two leeches that were fighting getting punished by mama leech.

"Emmett, you apologize to Bella for exposing her to whatever offended her. What was it?" mama leech demanded.

"ErinOfTheCullenClan's drawings," Emmett said, head down.

"Well, you apologize," mama leech told him.

"Sorry," he told Bella before mama leech rounded on her as well.

"And you give Emmett money for his laptop. Breaking your siblings' possessions is uncalled for," mama leech told her. "You break, you buy."

That was the best morning of my life. I watched as mama leech told the two of them to bring her their credit cards.

"As for the fighting, I will have to withhold your credit cards for a month. You will get them back when the month is over. I will not have fighting in this house," she told them as she put them in two marked envelopes with their names on it.

"Yes, Esme," they said in unison.

I really wished I had this on tape, if I had a video camera.

That was good entertainment, seeing two bloodsuckers getting into trouble.

* * *

"Good morning, everyone," the blond leech named Tanya greeted as she and her coven entered the house.

The fact that more leeches were in the house made my stomach nauseous, but it was not as bad when the Cullen coven needed witnesses for that big confrontation.

After the leeches from up north greeted the leeches who resided here and settled in, the leech Tanya asked Edward, "So, what is going on?"

"Well, Emmett found a piece of bad fanfiction yesterday," Edward replied.

"Oh, boy. What is it?" the other blond leech asked.

"_Brewdening Love _by ErinOfTheCullenClan or Erin Locklea, as she is called as well," Bella said, slightly irritated.

"Not the author of _Edward's Brithday_," the leech named Tanya said in dread.

"How many fics does this girl have?" Seth asked.

"She has written _Brewdening Love, Twilight World_, _Truelove Fight_, _Bella's Baby_, _Edwards Secret_, and _Edward's Brithday_," the muscular leech said.

* * *

**Two minutes later…**

All of us sat in the dining room, as we had more people, mainly leeches while Jacob, Seth, and I were the only wolves here.

"I read yesterday, so I think Leah needs to read it?" Jacob said.

"Me?" I asked, horrified. I did not want to read someone's wet dream.

"Well, Leah, it will be amusing," Seth told me.

"Fine," I retorted before grabbing the binder at the center of the table and turned to chapter four where Jacob left off.

"**4 – Savoir**"

"I have a bad feeling about this," Bella muttered.

"**A/N: SRSLY STOP FLAMMING! You heethans I mean seriously! I onlt be rude to peepl who are being rude to me.**"

Okay, so I would be considered a heathen if I hated this story. Has she ever heard of the word critic? Not to mention this fic has been crap so far.

"Being rude back is not a good way to go," the male blond Cullen leech called Jasper said.

People said I was rude, but I would not get rude and angry over one wet dream.

"**In da story the charcater is nomed Joan but MY NAM is Erin Locklea! SO STFU!**"

"It is just a story," the psychic leech said.

"And not to mention that Joan is a self insert," the blond female Cullen parasite.

"**n i no Amee Lee was a Chrustian, thats why i lik her! DID I BAG HER NO! Bad sinnares seriously stop mk? BE NICE**"

"Well it looked like she did," Seth retorted.

"This girl is naïve," the blond parasite named Kate muttered. "Not everyone will be nice."

"**So anyway this is my 4th chapter. I am getting more excited wen i write this.**"

"She is getting excited as this is her wet dream," Bella muttered coldly.

"We do not need to know that it is chapter four. What does she think we are? Stupid?" Seth asked.

That was a good question to ask.

"**I hope you get excited two - and thnx to all the NICE CHRISTIN REEDERS FOR LOVE :3 xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo**"

Just because she likes her wet dream does not mean that we will.

"Nobody is going to like this story," the mind reader bloodsucker said.

"Yes, a piece of dung," the blond female Cullen leech said.

"If Aro read this, you wouldn't want to be near him afterwards," the parasite called Eleazar stated.

"I know. He loves perfect grammar and spelling," Dr. Fang told him in reply.

"**Their was a sreech of tires and a clod of dust. I closet my eyes because I was to scared to mauve**"

"Really. Mauve? Mauve? It is _move_, you stupid pile of rocks," I said, infuriated how anyone would mix up their vocabulary.

"Send her back to the second grade," Bella, the leech lover who is now a leech, said.

I wanted to do more than that. I wanted to give this girl a taste of her own medicine.

"**Everything went still and then i opened my eyes. The bus had stopped only inches from my head! I blinkered and tryed to see why the bust had stopped. There was a dint in the fount of it but I couldn't see anyone. It was ass if som1 had come and STOPPED THE BUS TO SAVE MI!**"

"This better not what I think it is," the mind reading leech said. As much as I hate vampires, I felt sorry for him. I would not want to be the obsession of someone's wet dream.

"What?" Bella asked him.

"Remember when you were nearly hit by Tyler's van?" he asked.

"And you saved me," Bella told him. "She is trying to recreate that but with a bus and herself?"

"I hate this girl. She is taking Bella out of the picture and putting herself in there," the psychic leech said.

I was disappointed that this Mary Sue did not get hit by the bus. Well, I can't have anything go my way.

"**I was still scared and shakey but i walked off the road and onto the sidewalk. Jenny was creaming at me but I couldn't here her probably.**"

"Jenny creamed at Joan? Ew!" Seth said disgusted.

"She meant scream at her," Bella pointed out.

"**The bus driver looked shocked and he got out of the bus to apocalypse**"

The bus driver looked shocked and he got out of the bus to _the end of the world_? This girl had bad vocab.

"It is collapse not apocalypse," Bella said.

That was a complete understatement.

"**I nodded in a way to tell hymn I didn't blame hymn because i couldn't talk yet.**"

"She can't talk yet? That is rich," Jacob said.

"**Then I saw something move from behind the bus. I couldn't see probably, but i think it was Edward - there wore amba eyes glisening in the doost! But he was gone befour I could get a good look**"

"No, no, no, no, NO!" the mind reading parasite said. "I would never!"

"Edward, calm down," Bella told him.

If a guy wrote a fic about me like this, I'd be happy to phase into a wolf and tear him to pieces. I hate this story.

"**The bus driver whent away and so did Jenny and I went home.**"

"She went home? She should have gone to a hospital," the Alaskan leech named Carmen said.

"**I ignores my dad when I got in because he would of had a hard day fire figgthn and who wants to be annoyed? Im good chrsitian.**"

"Lusting after a vampire for solely on his looks does not count as a good Christian," the mind reading parasite said.

"I get the feeling that she hates her dad," Bella said.

"Why?" the leech named Tanya asked her.

"Even if he's had a hard day of work, he still needs to talk to a family member," Bella said. "It is good to cheer a parent up."

Parents are important. With a pang I remember the day I saw my dad have a heart attack after seeing me phase for the first time. I will never forgive myself for his death.

"**That night I was laying in bed, I couldn't fell aslep because of what had happened with the Bus. I watched the dark shadoes on the celing and thought about what Jesus would do if he was in my position. You know, if he had ever rly loved and the bible didn't no. I couldn't think of anything so I guessed Jesus had never loved in THAT wai b4 so he wouldn't now.**"

"Stop with the blasphemy," the fortune-teller parasite said.

"**I felt the bed sink beside me and I rolled over to see amb eyes watching me. Edward was sitting there watching me!1 He smiled but i was to supplies to say anything**"

The mind reading leech growled, Bella hissed and grinded her teeth.

This chapter was going to turn for the worse in my reading experience.

"**He moved closer to me opaque window and put a cold arm around my shoulders. I shivered but it felt good.**"

Someone really needs to go back to second grade English, ASAP.

"This is the worst piece of literature I heard for centuries," the leech named Garrett said.

"Not to mention, it is wish fulfillment," the female blond haired Cullen leech said.

"**"whgat are you doing here?" I asked him confused and he giggled**"

"I never giggle," the mind reader leech said.

"**"Too see you, obliviously."**"

"No, I would never see her. I hate her," the mind reading leech said through gritted teeth.

"She is fantasizing about what we did together," Bella told him, seething.

"True love does not work in one day. It takes a long time," the leech called Carmen said.

"**I was so happy that he had come to see me. I knew he would like me. And i was right.**"

Who would like girl like that? Girls who want to be physically appealing to guys irritate me to no end. Inner beauty is important, as mom always told me.

"No, I would never like her," the mind reading parasite said.

"**We had a little talk about nothin in purticular, but it was becuming lear he wanted to b with me. I wanted to coddle him but then he got up quickly and ran away, like he culdn't be with me realy.**"

"If I left that room, that is a good thing," the mind reading leech said.

"**I was confound because i dint know why he left. But I was happy that he comed and saw me anyway so feel aspell and dremt about Edward. :3**"

"Confound like the _Confoundus _charm in _Harry Potter_?" Jacob asked.

"How dare she dream about my husband?" Bella said, hissing.

As much as I abhor _Harry Potter_, I would rather read that then this piece of shit.

"**The next day at school everone was talking about me and the bus because It should have hit me. I said that God saved me because of my believe in him and in a wai he did. Edward is an angel. I dint tell any1 that i fought it was Edwood though incase they laught at me.**"

"Why not. We would have fun," Seth quipped.

I would have fun laughing at her too.

"Vampires are not angels," the mind reading parasite muttered. He got that right.

"**I think it was Edward that saved me." I told Jenny because I new he wouldn't laugh.  
"Oh my god gurl, how?" She asked all excited.**

"Jenny is a he?" Jacob asked.

"Jacob, take Nessie from this room. She is too young for this," the parasite with the mental shield said. That would be a good nickname for the mind reading parasite's wife, Bella: Mind Shield Leech. See, I am creative.

As Jacob took the hybrid from the room, I continued reading.

**"I think he jumped in front of it and stopped it." I told her because I was excited. "And then he came to my house last night."**

The mind reading leech facepalmed.

"In your freaking dreams," the mind shield leech muttered. If only that ability applied to mind raping fics like this.

**Jenny was excited to because Edward had come to my house. We started talking about him and who hot he was when a vocal said from behind us.**

"There is more to me then my appearance," the mind reading leech growled.

"Of course there is more to you, Edward," the mind shield leech comforted him. I need brain bleach

**"What are you talking about?"**

Trust me. No one wants to know.

**I turned around and Edward was standing there looking like an angel from heathen. Jenny looked at him too with her mouth open because she fought he was hot to but she said I could have him because she wanted Jasper.**

"No, no, no, no. I would never let a shallow girl take me," the empath leech growled.

"I thought this Jenny wanted me?" the muscular leech stated.

Was this girl ever consistent?

"**Um, nothing." I said all embarrassed and with a red faeces**

"Carlisle, do you have a vomit bag?" Seth asked. I couldn't blame my brother for wanting to vomit.

**The Edwards family came in, so he left. b4 he did though he patted me on the soldier and winked, asking me to follow hiM! So he had to go. I got up and fallowed him.**

"In your dreams, you Pharisee," the fortune teller leech muttered.

**:3 that was fun to write and I hope to reed. Srlsy thnx to everyone for evrything EXCEPT YOU WHO NO WHO U R. Plz leave nice reveiws and stup critisizing me mk? I don attack ur storeies now do I? LOVE FOR ALL! Xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox**

"This was not a fun read," Jacob muttered as he entered the room.

"Okay, Seth, you are next," I told my brother.

"Leah, no way," Seth complained.

"Better to this over with," I replied.

He sighed before he grabbed the binder to me and turned to the next chapter.

This is going to be hell.

And more unrealistic.

* * *

**Knowing Leah Clearwater, she wouldn't be able to call the Cullens and Denali's by their names as she hates vampires so much.**


	5. Seth: What The Heck Did I Just Read?

**Thank you for the reviews and the favorites. I really appreciate it. **

* * *

I took the binder from Leah's hands and turned to the next page.

**Chapter 5 – Confesson**

"Confession? So, she is going to confess that she is a Pharisee?" Alice quipped.

"I don't know, but I have a ill feeling that this chapter will follow similar events," Edward replied.

I could agree no less. This Erin was copying everything that happened between Edward and Bella, with a few changes.

**Hello everyone! Thanks for reeding this far in1 but I want to take a moement to address the flammas. OK IM GOING TO IGNOR YOUR NONESENSE FROM NOW ON SO SHUSH MMMK? So be nice, which is better. think of the site as a neighborhood - be nice to da neighbars, ya? cool and thanks to all the GOOD REEDERS OUT THERE**

"Sorry, but that neighborhood analogy is not going to work," Leah muttered. "Nice try."

Yeah, I agree. No one was going to like this piece of crap. I hope I am not in here as well. If I am, I would rather hear what went on in the vision that Alice shared with that lunatic red-eye (I swore that it looked like a marching band costume, what he was wearing. He had a creepy laugh too) a few weeks ago.

I hate fights, but I would rather die than be in this piece of crap.

**ooo "It is hard for thee to kick against the pricks." - Bible, Acts IX. 5 ooo (Seeing the site dosn't lik my diverders, the first devider will be a Bible quote from now on that is relovant to the chappy! or this case the autha not :3)**

I heard a lot of offended "ooohs" in the room.

"She is taking Bible verses and putting them in her story?" Bella asked enraged. "That's offensive to Christians."

I can understand what Bells meant. I am not religious myself, but I really? People have to stoop low to offend others?

**Edwerd walked on and on and we cmae into the woulds. It had been a long walk but I was tired and wanted to know why we didn't drive. He said he didn't own a care**

"I do own a car. Is she stupid?" Edward asked.

Yeah. He owns a very nice one too. I like to own a Volvo someday, if I save money to buy one.

**which is pretty wierd but then agin out here who knows how people live. We walked on and on and then we stoped. We were in the woords deep now and at the base of...a small motanny hill!**

A small mountiany hill? I hate to imagine this girl if they peer edit at her school, wherever she lives.

"She's trying to reenact the time when I told you what you were," Bella told Edward, enraged.

"Yes, but you went in the forest first and I followed you after, and it was after school. Not the middle of the school day," Edward told her.

**"Hey Edwad wtf are we out here?" I asked in a sexahly, because maybe he'd taken me out here for some fun or somthing.**

Ok. I If she was so religious like she claims, should she refrain from bad language and dirty thoughts. Her thoughts are probably the kind that Edward hears on a daily basis when away from home. I'm glad I don't have his mind reading ability.

**"Joan I have somethong to tell you." he said and looked sad all of a sudan. I wanted to hug hymn better.**

"Please, I do better without a hug from you," Edward muttered.

"Did she just mistake _sudden _for _sudan_?" Rosalie asked speechlessly.

I must admit, I know some first graders that spell better then this.

"**What do you have to tell me?" I asked, but not sexah this tim.**

"Good," Kate Denali said gratefully.

"I second that," Bella replied to her.

Besides, who says 'sexah' anyway? It sounded weird.

**"Joan, I lik you a lot but I have a horrible secret." He sed brewdingly. A small teir flopped down his cheek, and I felt even sadder and kind of bad at the same time.**

"Vampires don't shed tears," Edward muttered.

Yeah, and if you did, I would have seen them," Jacob remarked.

This girl must have failed biology as well. Good grief.

**"Joan, i'm not like otther guys."**

So this Erin girl expects us to think that Edward likes her. This is like a force imprinting gone wrong. I know imprints can't be forced, but you get the idea.

**I KNOW that silly," I laughed happily**

"No, you don't get wut I meen." he turned and shivverd and looked sad even more. I frowned. Why was he sad? :'(

"I am sad because you are around me, Joan," Edward muttered.

**He looked back and spoke more. "Joan I'm actually an vampire."**

Every Cullen and Denali in the room went silent and stared at Edward in shock.

"Would you actually tell a random human what we are?" Kate asked him.

Edward snorted and said ", I would never tell a human, who I just knew for a day about our secret, unless I know said human for a few months and she said the word, not me."

"Somehow, I am expecting Demetri or Jane to pop in the story to kill you for exposing our kind," Bella told her.

I agreed with them. Does this Erin know that the vampire world has a ruling class of vampires from Italy that will silence or turn a human for knowing about vampires?

**I gasped! OH SHIT, A VAMPTRE?! That's like really unholly and not good at all, i thought. I felt sad and scared but I sort of liked hymn still, he'd been alone with me a few times I thot so maybe i could hear hymn out because I don't think he was going to ate me. I was still scared though and wish I had of worn my hawt leather uggs instead of the heals 2day incase I had to ron.**

Did she just confuse _eat _with _ate_? To eat means that you are going to have a meal. Ate is past tense. I'm not a Grammar Nazi, but I passed my basic grammar lessons in Second grade English back at the La Push rez.

Besides, Edward is a nice guy. He would never hurt anybody. He can even cook!

**"A vampire? But I can't be with you if your a vampire because I'm a Chrisnt!" I told hymn, tears falling from my eyes like a tap.**

"Sure, cause being with a vampire will complicate your Christian faith," Rosalie muttered.

**"He looked mortified and his face was a scrowly durpreshun. he continued and edged closure towards me. "Joan it's ok. I'm not like other vampirs, my clan is different. We embarase the Lord and His weighs. I am a christina vampite!"**

A Christian vampire? Did I just hear that right?

"There is no such thing as a Christian Vampire. If one of our kind did become a Christian, we would have a spiritual war inside our bodies. We would act demon possessed until we spontaneously combusted," Alice said.

Whoever makes up these things?

**I stopped being sad and smiled at hymn. "Why is it bad then?"**

"Because" He said brewlingly, "I think you smell nice and I'm afried I'll eat you still. I can't b wif you."

"No. It is bad because you are eternally damned and have no soul," Edward muttered.

Carlisle shook his head at that.

**I gsped. He wanted to eat me, which wasn't good, but there was something abot hymnb that I couldn't resist. He was uba hawt and now a nice guy 2. I new he was the only won for me. I walked up to him and took hymn by the hand and leened into his sexah mussular chest.**

She cuddles up to him after knowing him for just one day? Jeez. I never dated, but I'm sure there is more to me or any guy for the matter then just the looks.

With her thinking that Edward is the only one for her, she is dead wrong. Again, this is like a forced-imprint gone horribly wrong (Except no one can imprint another at will.)

**"We will work thru it. I love you."**

Lust, you mean?

**He said nothing and we stood there for a bit, and then we went back to town.**

They probably got suspend for skipping school and playing hooky.

Edward chuckled, obviously reading my thoughts.

**Yeah not much of a finelly but next chapter I'll moke up for it, so yeah. SO YES, THAT IS HOW HE'S A VAMPIR AND I CAN LOVE HIM OK?1?! Anyway please leeve some nice revies and yeah. SEE YOU NEXT CHAPTER! xoxoxoxoxooxoxx :3**

After the crappy Author's note, I just stared at the page.

What the heck did I just read?

This is just as bad as that _Harry Potter _fic, _My Immortal _by that Tara girl. I never read anything bad after seeing that the author made Voldemort speak Shakespeare. Now this.

"She thinks she has me. Boy she is wrong," Edward muttered.

"This chapter was utter crap. Now Alice can read the next chapter," I said, handing the binder to Alice.

She sighed before turning a chapter so we can hear more of the messed up fic.

This was going to be a long day.

* * *

**I hope I kept Seth in character. And while I watched **_**The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-part 2**_**, I was in near tears when I saw Seth and Leah die in Alice's vision. The Clearwater siblings are one of my favorite characters, besides the Wolf pack, the Cullens, and the Volturi (I was nearly spazzing out when Bella tore off Aro's head in Alice's vision. Still, that does not ruin my favorite pairing, which happens to be Aro/Bella). **


	6. Alice: This Is Worse Then My Vision

**Now to Alice's POV**

**This is going to be interesting.**

* * *

After Seth bestowed me the "honor" of reading the next chapter of that crappy story, I turned the page to the next chapter.

**6 – SunShine!**

Okay. Something tells me that this is going to turn out horrible. Maybe worse than the vision I showed Aro what would happen if he decided to fight.

**Heyo to every1! so nice to see you all again! :3:3:3 I had a wondeaful day today, because 2day I spend da day with Jenny! ^_^ We went shopping witch we had not done for a LONG while, and I bought a cute as T with bunnehs on the sleeves, so I'm in a grate mode! I'm complatly ignoring haters, because in the end sinnars want to be hatful you just have to ignore them. So heres to da storie!11 XD**

"We didn't need to know what you did. No one even cares," Leah said.

I admit, I love to shop, but putting that in a author's note was unnecessary.

"Besides, does the Bible say that all of us are born sinners?" Edward asked.

If this girl is a real Christian like she says she is, would she know that all humans are born sinners? Looks like she never read about Christ's crucifixion and how Satan tempted Eve in the Old Testament.

**oooooo"We love Him because He first loved us." John 1 4:9-10 (Naww)oooooo**

"Okay. That was offensive," Seth muttered.

**I dremt about Edward that night. He was standing in a medhow and the wind was blowing softy. He was standing there ONLY in black pants and he was reely riped and sex-ah**

Edward tensed up while Bella hissed. I never known Edward to go around shirtless. And I do not want that mental image either, as he is my brother, though I have seen him shirtless only once.

When Bella saved him in Italy.

And no, I do not think he is ripped either.

**His wind was blowing through his orburn hare, and his brewding amba eyes looked at me so devinely. I wanted to walk up to hymn and hug hymn, but then I woahk up. I lied there and thought how sexy he had looked in the meadow, I really likd him alot.**

I wanted to go in the pages and kill her for usurping Bella's place. This girl has only known my brother for ONE FREAKING DAY!

One day is not enough to know about one person.

Though Aro is exception, but that is because he has that creepy ability to know every thought and memory a person ever had with just one touch.

And speaking of Edward, the only thing this girl likes about my brother is his APPEARANCE.

**I didn't kno if we were togather thow, so I decided to fined hymn and ask tomorrow at school.**

"Realistically, that is not possible," Kate stated.

**The next day at school i found hymn asked hymn**.

But where? She needs to be specific if she wants to write a story.

"**are we going out?" I asked uncertainly, twizzling my adorbale red hare (I had died it a little while ago for a new look)**

She recently died her hair red? What is she? A Victoria wannabe? Not to mention she thinks she and my brother are a item after knowing him for just one day.

This is like _Romeo & Juliet_, but worse.

**Edwerd locked at me because he was studying for that Biologee clas (eRin - SEE, CONTINUNITY!). "Yes, but I can neva be truly with you due to the hungar for your bloood." Said Edward, sadily. I froned**

I saw Bella, Edward, my family, and the Denalis shift uncomfortably in their seats when hearing this sentence. Does this girl know about a ruling vampire clan, that starts with the letter _V_?

Talking about vampires in public is suicidal, not to mention it will attract the Volturi.

" **And there is something I want to show you after school."He spoke.**

"That doesn't sound good at all," Edward muttered.

**I was excited because Edwards wanted to see me after school and i wondered what it was he wanted to show me. All day at school i thought about what it mighr be, and hoped it wasn't anything evel or that (He was still a vampire you no, im just givving a 2nd chance).**

I couldn't help but be insulted by this. Edward would never do something considered evil. She just barely knows him.

And she shouldn't even know about vampires at all.

**After school we met in the carpark and he led me to his car. It was a dark blue with silver rimming that looked reely nice.**

I am not blind. Edward owns a silver Volvo.

And did she say last chapter that Edward didn't own one?

"She is not very consistent," Garrett stated.

"If she knows about me, she should know what color car I drive," Edward said.

"Unless she is color blind," Bella told him.

**I got more excited as he opened the door for me and then got in the other side. He then sped out of the carpark and took me to da forrest to...his house!1 :O**

I facepalmed after reading this. This was worse than my vision of fighting the Volturi. Much worse. I'd rather lose my mate then continue reading this.

Jasper sensed my distress and sat closer to me.

**His house was big and not 'modurn' in style ast all - it looked like a big Gotic/Romantic stile church but smaler and with more rock on the outside in that nice style peeple use to coat thier homes in rock.**

Emmett sped from the room and came back a few seconds later.

"From what I know, our house doesn't look like a church," Emmett said as he came back in the room.

How dumb is this girl to not even know what our house looks like.

**He took me inside and introduced me to his mother - MC and his father Carlise. They were nice though kinda boring and we talked for a while but then then took me up to his room where he had lots of Relient K CDS and a big bed.**

My eyes flared at this paragraph. How could she get Esme's name wrong. She probably doesn't know how to spell it. It is not hard to spell. It is E-S-M-E. And not to mention, she forgot the 'l' after the 's' in Carlisle's name.

And they are not boring.

"She thinks I listen to Relient K? How stupid. And when I first met Bella, I never had a bed," Edward pointed out.

**"I am going to show you what happens when i go in the sun." He told me and loked ice sex-ahly. ;3 He then took off his shirt and stepped in front of a window. The sun shone on him and then he started to sporrkle like a diamond!1**

It is _sparkle, _not sparkle.

And what is her obsession with the term sex-ah? It is weird.

**He looked so hot n obviously werked out. He looked exactly like in my dream because he was wearing black pants and had taken off a slimfit black tee from Abercrombu and Fitch.**

I wanted to explode. For the second time, I and my siblings do not BUY CLOTHES FROM AMBROMBIE & FITCH! Does she know that we only shop in Prada, Gucci, Versace, Dior, and other expensive designer brands like that?

And two, vampires never _physically_ change. We are stuck to whatever we physique we had when we are turned. We gain some fat in the transformation process, but we never gain it after.

**He smiled at me and then stepped away from the window and sat on his bed, i sat down next to him then I asked.**

I am starting to hate this girl more and more.

"**They don't but it looks nice." He told me and then he laid down and I laid next to him. He was all sexah lieing their, and I snuggled hymn. He rolled over and coddled me and i coddled him back and we started to kiss. I had don it before but my tongue had nevar felt fangs when doing it b4! I took off his shirt and then he took off my pink top (BUT I STILL HAD TH BRA ON SO SHUSH). Then Edward was on top of me and we caresed.**

I stopped, freaked out by the mental images this was giving me. I noticed that Edward looked uncomfortable and furious, Bella was seething, and Seth looked like he accidently walked in on someone in the bathroom.

"Excuse me while I dump holy water on myself," Seth said, before running from the room as if escaping from a fire.

Is this girl really a Christian?

** Then I felt something as he leened down again!**

"**No STEP IT! NO1" I yelled and Edward rolled off me looking confused and sad agin. **

"**I can't do this yet," I look at hymn and frown because I'm sad for bof of us. "I am a Christen and we can't have sex until we marri."**

**Edward looked sad at me and said, "it's ok, i wont hurt you" and then he hugged me again, but got whoreny and tried again but this time i pushed him off and put all my clothes on. "You have to marri me first! I want it 2 but WE CANNOT!" **

Edward was silent before he stood up and knocked over the dining room table that Esme bought from a auction.

"How dare she?! Does she know what time I came from? I would never steal a girl's purity before marriage, especially one I have only known for two days!" Edward yelled as he paced back and forth.

"Is she stupid? If I made love to her, she will get hurt," Edward muttered furiously.

He ran throughout the house in vampire speed before coming back and sitting down next to Bella.

I hate this girl for doing this to my brother.

**Edward put his clothes back on to and looked sad. I felt sad too because he looked sad (and had his shirt back on he he ;p). **

"**It's ok, we can try again later but if we do it now god will be mad. Remember what it says in the bible - DO NOT WAIST YOUR SEED."**

**Edward said he understood and then we just coddled instead even though deep down I really wanted to do it with him because he was big and sexy, but i loved god too much and I didn't want to go against my shuould always stick to whta you belive.**

I scoffed. She nearly committed fornication. If she does it once, she will do it again.

"Where does she live?" I heard Bella mutter.

**Edward took me home that night and I walked in to see my father sitting at the table eating. He had had a hard day at work as the Mayor but he had cooked me diner so I sat down with him and we started to talk.**

Confusion came across my face as I read that,

"She said that her dad was a fire fighter. Now he is a Mayor?" Seth asked confused.

'Perhaps he is Robert Ramsey from _Poseidon_," Emmett joked.

'**where ytou been Joan?" He asked**

"**At my boyfriends" I said and dad looked shocked**

"**You have a girlboyfriend?" He asked**

"I am wholly male, for everyone's information," Edward grumbled.

Wait. She called Edward her _boyfriend_? They only knew each other for two days.

**Dad didn't look happy so i left coz he's an asshole sometimes but I luv him and went to my bed and went to sleep so I could dremt about Edwars and what we wod do tomorrow**

"Stop fantasizing about Edward," Bella said. "Don't call your father a asshole either."

"I wonder if Aro's line isn't busy," I heard Bella mutter. This Erin girl was going to get herself killed because her wet dreams about my brother, who is MARRIED and has a daughter with my sister-in-law.

**Menwhile, little did I know it there was another Vampire who thought I smilled yummy - AND HE WAS CUMMING TO GRT ME!111111111 :o**

"Is she talking about who I think she is talking about?" Bella asked, with fear in her eyes, as she rubbed the spot where the bite scar that James gave her once was.

**DUN DUN DUN! Those wh ohave red the book will know thier is James. But still, I promise to make him different so it's new, OK? Thanls for reeding everyone, I reely appreshit it!1 :3 Love From The Lord Upon Ye All! Xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxox**

"How does she know James is after her? What is she? Psychic?" Emmett asked him.

"Not to mention he is dead," I replied.

And good riddance too.

This story is a piece of dung. Not only is she butchering Edward, but she does not know us fashionwise either.

"Who wants to read this?" I asked, holding up the binder. "Last chapter of the day."

"I will," Jasper told me before taking the binder from my hands.

* * *

**R & R**


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